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etoileana's Journal
Created on 2006-10-29 23:35:05 (#11497649), last updated 2008-12-07
55 comments received, 918 comments posted
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Basic Info| Name: | etoileana |
|---|
BioThe sixth of December 2008 marks six months since i last purged. I have been sick in that time, but due to drunkenness. It's weird. Since starting i didn't think i'd see this day. And it's funny: I think im skinnier and happier now than i ever was when i was purging. Maybe i'm not the skinniest i've ever been (hell, i've not been near a scale since the summer) but i actually am happy. I'd love to get thinner, and i'm always still trying, but i'm much more relaxed about it.
I eat breakfast, lunch and dinner most days now. I eat chocolate and the occasional biscuit. I ate a full tub of chocolate fudge brownie ice cream last week, but it still doesn't bother me at the moment. Moments wher i splurdge like this are few and far between, and i don't go crazy with the chocolate anymore. Six months ago i'd finish work at 1am, come home and eat a full meal. At the moment i'm just not hungry for it. I don't want it. Today, for example, i came home and there was a piece of cherry and custard pie on the side. I didn't touch it. I had a slice of chicken roll and a glass of vimto and came to bed. I'm hungry, but just not bothered. It's odd but wonderful.
Saying all this, i still have my fat days, and with nearly everything that i eat there is still that voice in my head telling me i'm a fat bitch. When i look in the mirror there's still that niggling thought that yes, my hip bones are visible now, but look at the fat on the back of the hips. I don't know if these thoughts will ever go, and in a way i hope they never do, because i need them there to remind me of what i've put myself through in the past, and what not to do again. If they go, then i am better, and i will relax and go back.
It's a mixed bunch of feelings, but generally very positive. I miss being empty, and being able to go for days living on apples, oranges and lettuce, but right now it's not what i'm about. By no means am i saying that i won't come back to anorexia, but i never, ever want to be bulimic again.
To anyone who's stumbled across this journal in hope of tips and tricks for getting it all back up or how best to go about starving yourself crazy, you won't find them here. What you will find, however, is a prime example of the self deprecating, insane, sleep deprived, hungry drivel that comes from believing in the need to starve and throw up anything you eat. By all means read it, i don't know how interesting it might be.
I eat breakfast, lunch and dinner most days now. I eat chocolate and the occasional biscuit. I ate a full tub of chocolate fudge brownie ice cream last week, but it still doesn't bother me at the moment. Moments wher i splurdge like this are few and far between, and i don't go crazy with the chocolate anymore. Six months ago i'd finish work at 1am, come home and eat a full meal. At the moment i'm just not hungry for it. I don't want it. Today, for example, i came home and there was a piece of cherry and custard pie on the side. I didn't touch it. I had a slice of chicken roll and a glass of vimto and came to bed. I'm hungry, but just not bothered. It's odd but wonderful.
Saying all this, i still have my fat days, and with nearly everything that i eat there is still that voice in my head telling me i'm a fat bitch. When i look in the mirror there's still that niggling thought that yes, my hip bones are visible now, but look at the fat on the back of the hips. I don't know if these thoughts will ever go, and in a way i hope they never do, because i need them there to remind me of what i've put myself through in the past, and what not to do again. If they go, then i am better, and i will relax and go back.
It's a mixed bunch of feelings, but generally very positive. I miss being empty, and being able to go for days living on apples, oranges and lettuce, but right now it's not what i'm about. By no means am i saying that i won't come back to anorexia, but i never, ever want to be bulimic again.
To anyone who's stumbled across this journal in hope of tips and tricks for getting it all back up or how best to go about starving yourself crazy, you won't find them here. What you will find, however, is a prime example of the self deprecating, insane, sleep deprived, hungry drivel that comes from believing in the need to starve and throw up anything you eat. By all means read it, i don't know how interesting it might be.
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