urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:etoileanaetoileanaetoileanaetoileana2008-04-18T14:37:15Zurn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:etoileana:45185etoileana @ 2008-04-18T15:37:002008-04-18T14:37:15Z2008-04-18T14:37:15ZIt has not been a very good week. I've been drinking too much and munching too much. I whacked my foot the other day whilst drunk at a club - now i have a huge blue bruise and swelling on the side of it. It's not good.<br /><br />I've ordered my paris and prom dress. Now i just need to lose the weight for it...not that it shouldn't fit when i get it, but i'd love a bony back if you know what i mean. We'll see.urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:etoileana:44089etoileana @ 2008-04-07T00:51:002008-04-06T23:52:17Z2008-04-06T23:52:17Z<a name="cutid1"></a><div class="ljcut" text="old me.">About the old me... (i wrote this in about May 07 when i was still badly bulimic)</div><a name="cutid2"></a><div class="ljcut" text="old me.">Well. I started starving myself aged 15 following a trip to France where everyone is tiny and my exchange partner was a size 6 model. Everything that i have ever wanted to be. I felt like a complete man, and decided that (cleverly) i'd feel better if i lost weight. Except i took it too far, and my diet consisted for a while of two apples, two slices of toast per day and my tea. Sometimes i didn't have tea. I lost a bit of weight for a show, and then started eating pretty normally again.</div><a name="cutid3"></a><div class="ljcut" text="old me.">Fast forward to September 06. I'd been on a few holidays, seen myself in mirrors, in bikinis etc and vowed that the second i got home i was straight back on the apples and toast 'diet.' I lost weight! Woo! And i was SO CLOSE to my goal. Then Christmas intervened and i've since ballooned.</div><a name="cutid4"></a><div class="ljcut" text="old me.">Now i'm more bulimic than anorexic. I've been binging and purging for over a year. And now i'm having digestive problems, sore teeth etc and everything that goes with it. </div><a name="cutid5"></a><div class="ljcut" text="old me.">Promise me, if you're reading this and you don't have a disorder, that you'll never start this. It isn't nice, it isn't glamourous, it hurts and it's so, so hard to stop. I've been living in a kindof hidden depression for months, putting on a brave face so that no one will know what i'm going through. It isn't a life, it's an existence, and it isn't worth it. </div><a name="cutid6"></a><div class="ljcut" text="old me.">Why not get treatment? Because i know i'll either get told that i'm fine, because i'm not underweight, or banged up a mental institution and fed til i'm more obese than i am now. Would you like that? No, neither would I. I'm going to get better, in the sense that i will lose this weight if it's the last thing i do. The difference between better to a normal healthy person and someone with a disorder, is that disordered thinking makes you believe that better = thinner.</div><a name="cutid7"></a><div class="ljcut" text="old me.">None of my friends, or anyone who knows me, knows the real me. They know i like art and dancing and music and all that stuff. But they don't know that i spend half my time walking round my kitchen, peering into cupboards, avoiding food yet stuffing my face, then hunched over a toilet bowl. It's a double existence. Not a life. Not a personality trait. It isn't worth starting, so please don't.</div><a name="cutid8"></a><div class="ljcut" text="old me.">I hope you've learned something from reading this and have decided not to try it. Not even out of curiosity's sake. If you want to talk to me some more then leave me a comment x</div><a name="cutid9"></a><div class="ljcut" text="old me.">................................</div><a name="cutid10"></a><div class="ljcut" text="old me.">Now i'm far from out of this, but i've stopped purging almost. I've cut down from once or twice a week to five times in five and a half months...i can't do it anymore. My teeth are fucked. And until i pluck up the courage to go and see my dentist i cant do this to myself and make it worse.</div><a name="cutid11"></a><div class="ljcut" text="old me.">Back to restricting as much as i can..</div><br /><br />i know before i post this that its fucked up. the links that is...